What is time?

Phew, it’s been a spell hasn’t it? Over a year since my last post of any kind, and almost two since I did anything other than a republish from d20 Radio. So what happened?

Well, d20 Radio ran into some back end tech trouble that resulted in many visitors being redirected to some shady sites. Not very effective way for people to read a gaming blog. So we shut down for a bit in order for the site to be rebuilt. Life happened and here we are. But GM Chris has restarted Order 66 again so we’ll see.

I’d love to say, in the wake of not having to write and manage d20 Radio’s blog, that I had more time to devote to my book writing. Well, technically this is true. I did have more time, I just didn’t utilize it. After the shut down, I began with ambitious goals. I was close to finishing my next book, and had another two that just needed some reworks done on the second half of the pair.

With the extra time I had, I was determined to get Knightshield published by someone else. I enjoyed putting out the Seraph series on my own but learned I kind of preferred how Aristeia went. It felt better working with someone, even a small publisher like Grey Gecko, than feeling like I had to do everything myself. I’ll be the first to admit, I know jack all about marketing.

Over 70 queries later and here we are. Not even a nibble. I know there’s more agents and publishers out there. It’s part of the same problem, I just can’t market myself, to readers or to agents/publishers. Everything I read about how to write a query letter, make an ad, etc just feels like I’m reading it in ancient sumerian. I just don’t understand it and trying to follow advice without understanding feels hollow, inauthentic, and just plain bad.

Concurrent with this, I decided to check out what all the hubbub was about with AI writing. I did a little research and found Sudowrite was reasonably regarded as a decent system. I signed up and checked it out. To my surprise, I really liked their interface and system for developing a story. It was handy they way it worked to build out an idea from a single sentence, fleshed out characters and events in stages. It was all in line with a lot of writing advice I’d read before and even given on occasion. So, in that sense it was a handy tool. Then I tried out the AI writing feature. I went through the story development process and had the AI write some prose based on that.

And it wasn’t terrible. Not the best thing I’d ever read. But far from the worst. I’ve read published books, that had hundreds of positive reviews, that were harder to read than what the AI created. Consistency from chapter to chapter was iffy and disjointed. But tweaking the background bits improved that. Writing with this AI is not something you can do in an afternoon and get any kind of coherent story. Using it well would require some human skill and input.

So in one sense, I was relieved, this AI thing wasn’t going to completely replace human writers any time soon. Writers could use it to tell a story using different skill sets. Not sure on morale and ethical implications there. Where is the line between the tool and the craftsman?

But on the other hand, it was incredibly demoralizing. The words the AI put out weren’t significantly worse than what I was capable of writing, especially as an early draft. Sure, I put a fair amount of work into the back end to get it there. That actually made it worse, I think. Writing using this AI still required a significant effort but the words at the end didn’t feel like my own. If it had been easier, I don’t think it would have affected me as much, because then the results wouldn’t have been in any way mine. This way, they felt like they should be but weren’t. Like I was cheating or being used.

I’ve barely written anything since. A few times I made a little progress on a new idea. But they all died shortly there after as I thought, what was the point?

Then we rolled into an election year here in the US. I can tell you, I felt wretched looking at November. Fascism under a narcissist old man or an infirm old man who cared about his own vanity than anything else. I know history, and know that Donald Trump winning isn’t going to mean death camps are opened immediately. But I also know that Joe Biden winning wasn’t going to really do anything to shift us off the path that eventually leads there.

Then there’s all the personal stuff I’m not going to share with the internet. It’s nothing dramatic, just life, so don’t feel you’re missing a good story.

So, this was what my 42nd year was like. 42 was supposed to be the ultimate answer to the ultimate question of life the universe and everything. I hesitate to say this, given how it’s thrown about a lot, but I was depressed. I should have gone to a therapist. Probably still should but that has actually been another contributing factor. Like everything in America, getting mental help is just harder than has to be. What therapists are in insurance network? Are they any good? Do they actually have any appointments available?

Well, now we’re in year 43. There was no magical switch. But things have been getting better. Someone tried to kill Trump and it didn’t generate a rally of support for him. Biden surprised literally everyone by choosing to terminate his reelection bid. Then, the democrats actually do something right and rally behind Harris. Then they pick Walz for VP and start actually talking about policies to improve things. There is hope again that we might still have a chance to avoid the worse timeline.

Meanwhile, my niece is working on a cover for Knightshield for me. She’s an excellent artist but never made cover art and is busy with college work so it’s no guarantee what will result. But I’m hopeful and excited at least.

I ran an in-person Star Wars RPG campaign recently that just finished. By finished, we actually got to the intended end point for the campaign. Now, we’re planning another one. My son joined us for this one for the first time and did quite well so I’m stoked to be able to do that with him.

And I’m writing this. I have no illusions that anyone still checks this site given how dead I let it get. But I’m writing it anyways. Does that mean I’ll start up a new book? Will I write regularly on here again? Will something new happen instead? Honestly, I don’t know. But at least now, I’m saying there’s a chance.