Nice vs Kind
There was a Twitter thread that wiggles its way around the internet recently. I don’t remember where I saw it first but its popped up on Reddit and FB at least.
When I describe East Coast vs West Coast culture to my friends I often say “The East Coast is kind but not nice, the West Coast is nice but not kind,” and East Coasters immediately get it. West Coasters get mad.
Niceness is saying “I’m so sorry you’re cold,” while kindness may be “Ugh, you’ve said that five times, here’s a sweater!” Kindness is addressing the need, regardless of tone.
This immediately branched out to include Northerners vs Southerners. But the regional debate completely misses, and tarnishes, the actual point of this as an idea. Instead of debating which region is better let’s look at what this idea of nice vs kind actually means.
The original tweeter appears to be of the opinion that kindness is a more worthwhile trait and that all of the focus on niceness prevents anything from improving. In the example, the cold person is still cold even if someone has expressed solidarity with them. They may feel better that their trouble isn’t unnoticed, they’re still cold.
But it misses the other side. The unnice person who addresses the cold person’s need, succeeded in making them not cold. But in the process made them feel like a burden and worthless. They helped, but only because the cold person complained incessantly. Not because anyone actually cares about them.
Now before anyone makes the argument, “why doesn’t the cold person just get their own sweater instead of expecting others to hand it to them?”, we’re going to presumptively tell that person to shut up. It’s irrelevant to the discussion and just an excuse to ignore the problem by being neither nice nor kind.
Nice vs kind is just another way of looking at sympathy vs empathy. Or friendliness vs compassion. One is showing support and encouragement but without actually helping. The other is understanding the other person’s need but showing that your well being is more important. You only gave them the sweater to shut them up.
Is one better than the other? If we’re talking about more basic needs than being chilly, such that the cold person will literally freeze to death, then sure, addressing their need so they don’t die is far better than feeling sorry for them and giving your emotional support. But theses aren’t diametrically opposed states. You can be nice and kind.
When someone has a problem, its not enough to either listen to them or fix the immediate issue. Is the person cold because that’s just how their body works and they are colder than you? Or are they cold because you’re an asshole and opened the window right next to them and let in a breeze? You have to understand the person and actually care.
This is a lesson we could all remember in our day to day lives but it has applications at every level of society. Its not enough to just listen nor is it enough to just do something if benefits you in some way.
